12:30 am - Friday, Aug. 01, 2003
Pap smears and angry rantings about things that are out of my control. It's almost time to go home.
BlahBlahBlah. I have to go to the gyno tomorrow, which is really not my piece of cake tyvm. I also have to do a million other things, thanks to slacking vest suppliers, and my own negligence with my employers....I've been putting off telling them that I can't work the last week of August because of OC. So I'm going to call and leave a message on they're answering machine while I know that they're still at the cabin. And then they can choose how to deal with it from there. But I know that I'm going to have shit to deal with when I get back from then. Shit shit shit. So I need to prepare a united front - make it their problem and not mine. Because my obligations are my obligations. I'm not tied to that family with shackles, as much as they'd like to lock me in the basement for their own personal spur of the moment use. nonononononono. So that is on my to do list.
My mom and I watched a TV show tonight about weird things that doctors have taken out of human bodys...we saw this one teenager who had a javelin thrown into his neck...it looked so sick. And the grand finale was an Indian man who had always had a huge belly...and when doctors finally cut him open when he was 36, they discovered that he had a parasite twin that was growing inside of his abdomen... it was like, 18 pounds and all bone and nail and teeth. I guess the guy was a twin when he was in the womb, but somehow didn't separate properly...needless to say. They found two pounds of human hair in his stomach from his parasite. It looked like a rotissarie chicken with fingers and hair. It was so cool.
Ok, random. But just thinking out loud to myself. ALL I did today was take the ferry over from the Island to the mainland, and then lounge around at home. My mom and I walked Wally to the bank...a good 1/2 each way. That's it. I dunno, I feel in limbo. I REALLY don't want to go home, because I don't want to go back to work, but at the same time, I want this summer to be over as soon as possible, and I wish that I had something really productive for me to DO while I was at home. I just knit and knit and that's it. So part of me is ready to go back and get on with my Kingston life. Cause it's two steps closer to the end of the summer, and I really need that.
So that's it. Tomorrow mom and I are going to the doctor, and I'm going to chapters. I need a fall coat, but my mom reamed me out today because she can't afford to buy me one, which is frusturating. The last time I bought a fall coat I was in junior high. I'm dead sick of never being able to live life like normal people. My mom's car is a mess and she can't afford to fix it, polo needs surgery that we can't afford to give him, none of us have coats or shoes for the fall and winter. Regan can't get what he needs for university. We haven't been away together as a family for 10 years. We have never driven a new car..every car my family has ever owned has been used... getting mad about not having money doesn't get me anywhere though, y'know? I just need to vent. It's not like I can talk about this without sounding like I'm spoiled. it was never a big deal before, but now that I've spent so much time around people who are more well off than me...it's easy to get frusturated. It has a lot to do with Marcus, and how easy it is for his family to pay cash for new cars and jet set everywhere. Or my grandparents in Victoria who just had a small section of their driveway replaced for 7000 bucks, and buy a new car every 20 months? I dunno. I feel like the world has let me down! But I'm surviving, I'm above water and doing alright for myself. And I have lots of people who love me, which is what counts in the end. You'll never hear me complain like this in 'life' but sometimes it just feels good to be mad for once instead of gracious.
Well, that just about wraps up this one. I think I'm coming close to 200 entries and that is quite thrilling for me. It's like being in a really long relationship. You look back and everything seemed easy in hindsight. But I'm proud that I've stuck with it for such a long time, even though I haven't updated everyday, or recorded every detail of my life. I'm here on the paper in everything that I write, and this diary has become so important for me. I NEED it whenever I'm in a bad mood, or feel like really remembering something. I am so grateful for it... okay. I'm rambling. Bed bed bed. And then doctor doctor doctor. Meh. No fun at all.
