10:52 pm - Monday, Aug. 11, 2003
I just...
Short and sweet. Long day with the kids. Parents took apart the TV and threw the pieces in the attic - no more Arthur to pass the long and lonely 10 hours. There were 3 spills (1 water, 1 milk and 1 chicken noodle soup). Noone listened to me. I felt disrespected. The parents go behind my back when I make decisions. I found out that the parents spank their kids. I'm being completly underappreciated. They never leave me enough money for bus fare, so we can't go anywhere. The kids aren't allowed to do anything. The kids are wild. The girl refuses to brush her hair. The parents are lunatics. I hope they don't read this (my biggest fear ever). I don't think that I can survive another two weeks. Two long weeks. I watched reality TV today and zoned out. I wish that all of the Emily problems would be over - I want everyone to get along so badly.
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It is now 11:45, and I just had a 1 hour cry fest with marcus. I should be in bed, but instead I sobbed my eyes out for an hour. I haven't cried that hard in years, I am so frusturated and upset about my job, and scared about going back because I am disrespected by the kids, and I have no support from the parents. I dread going there, it drains me. I come home with headaches. I threw up yesterday morning. They kids just take and take and take, and the parents demand more and more of me with less resources (like money) and I want to quit. I am so close to quitting. But I feel obliged to this family, to the kids. They've got me wrapped up in some little guilt trip that works perfectly for them. I hate it. I want out. I want to go and fly down to Nashville for a week and not worry about anything anymore. But I can't. I have no choice but to be abused and drained for another week. I can't wait. I can't stop crying. Fuck, I just want to leave.
