10:57 pm - Sunday, Aug. 17, 2003
Something Special
I've decided something. People don't cry while watching a movie because they're sad. Well, not exactly. We cry because we connect to the sadness, and it makes us scared. I'm not sure if I can find a way to explain it to myself. When I watched Stepmom, I didn't cry because Susan Sarandon died, I cried because I was connected to how sad it would be if MY mom died. We cry because we imagine ourselves in the same situation. It's almost like empathy, although it's something we've never experienced. Or it may be something we HAVE experienced, and watching the movie triggers our emotion towards that experience. It's hard to explain.
The whole point is that Marcus and I had an amazing conversation today. I think that it may have been one of the best things that we've ever done. Nothing was wrong, there was no fighting. It was just the honest soul searching truth about everything. I called him crying as usual, just being frusturated and sad and scared and confused. And we talked. We talked out my problem, and we talked beyond it. I asked him why he stayed with me instead of any other girl in the world. He answered - because I'm me. I asked him what in his eyes made me "me". I told him from the bottom of my heart, all of the things that I thought made him "him". We both got pretty weepy, but never sappy. There was something honest about all of it, no big words or slick metaphors. Just clean emotion. I feel refreshed and ready to take on this week. I feel strong, and I feel competent to get through our last little leg of the summer. Noone, not even marcus knows how hard it's been on me. And not just because I'm away from marcus, but also from my friends and my family. I just feel alone period. And I've been trying so hard not to complain, because there's bigger things out there. Bigger things in store for me than one lousy summer. And if I can look back on the past four months, and manage to find the best things about my summer, manage to have fond memories...then I've done the best I can. I'm not really sure how to articulate what I'm feeling right now. There's something special about tonight that I really like. And something special about Marcus too. I just feel really really alive.
