1:36 am - Sunday, Nov. 30, 2003
Missing Something
Well, things are just fine. I remembered today how I used to write in my diary every day when I was younger - I never failed to put something down, even if it was just a sentence about what the weather was like. I feel like in the past year or so, I am missing something by not recording my thoughts every day. It is harder for me to get a sense of my evolution if I am only sitting down to empty my mind once in a while. I think that it is time for a private session - me and a pen, because I feel like putting myself out on the web is too personal right now, I mean ... I want to keep writing here, but there are some things that need to be between myself and my writing for me to really feel as though I have accomplished something. The house is relitively empty this weekend - Josh went home and Em went to Rob's and Alana is in her room, and I feel like I need to do something that is large and productive - I want to take on a project. I want to make something, or work towards a goal of some sort. I can't quite figure out what that should be, however. What I really need to do is go home, to recharge, and see my family. People complain to me that they haven't been home in weeks, and I think that it has been almost half a year since I've seen my family, and it puts things into perspective for me, although rarely for anyone else. Everyone's problems are the biggest thing in the world. Everyone is the most homesick or the busiest. I feel like I don't want to be a part of it. Seeing your experiences through your own eyes gives you some sort of self-actualizing and expanding filter.. things become so distorted that it is entirely possible to loose sight of the things that we once swore ourselves to. But then again - do I really practice what I preach? My own semester has been so convoluted - I can't even thing straight to get my head around it. I feel like I've made no contribution at all, just sat here while everyone else lived and made decisions and affected eachother. I've felt dead. Not dead. That's a horrible thing to say. I've felt slow, and apathetic. Not much has mattered to me. But there have been really great moments. And achievements that I have felt very proud of. But I guess, in the end, here I am in my room, the same room, on the same old computer that is slowly letting me down, typing the same old shit, and not really having made a difference.
I really don't know.
I just want to go home!
I need to stop. This is making me more confused, because I'm not sure if I truely believe in what I'm saying. They were just the words that wanted to come out.
