1:41 am - Monday, Dec. 22, 2003
In the end....
I feel like a work in progress. I have changed over the last three years, to one extent or another. But if I compared myself, at least emotionally, to the person that I was when I walked on to the plane in Calgary, shaking, self-absorbed and devastated that I was leaving my best friend behind me... I feel disconnected from her. I don't even know if I like who I am. I've been able over the last few days to listen to myself talk, and I hate what I say. It's bland and closed off and dissipointed. I feel like I need to keep working, keep moving. I need goals. I need to clarify my values, and start to stand up for the things that are important to me. I need to reevaluate my relationships, and the way that people are slotted into my life. I need to be more open to something completly different. I need to get out, I need to stay in. I need to make a decision about something. I need to make apologies. I need to restore some of the faith I used to have in humanity, in those around me. In myself? I need to really believe that I can achieve something. And I need something to work towards. I feel like I don't have any talents, any hobbies, anything that I am passionate about. How can I say that my heart lies on the soccer pitch if I haven't kicked a ball in over a year. I feel like I would remember though. I would remember the way the turf felt under my cleats, and how the mud would smell on my socks and how to push myself beyond pain, and how to care so much about something. I would remember how to play. I would remember our drills, my stretches, the long saturday afternoons. The friendships. The struggle to constantly prove yourself. I have nothing to prove right now...because I don't think that anyone expects anything of me. I need to go back to playing. This summer, I need to go back to playing. I don't care if I have to walk to my games...I want to feel the ball again.
We went out for dinner tonight to the Sand Bar... had an amazing meal. I get so much pressure and so much shit from my dad to stay for christmas day. I feel like running away. There is guilt all around - nothing is stable and reliable in my life except for the constant turmoil I feel between all of the places that claim a piece of my roots. How can I please everyone at once? God I miss Adam. I feel at home with him. Like I belong with him. Not with him...not sexually. With him. In his room, sitting on his green striped couch with the lights off, and his poster of london glowing, and his red budweiser clock ticking away the night while we talk. While he plays for me. While we plan and dream and fantasize and share and create this intimate world where nothing trivial matters...it's so safe. That's where I want to be right now.
*considers going to Calgary on the way back to Kingston*
I'll have to look into it.
Since it's sunday, I thought that I would add this.
SUNDAY REPORT - WORD ASSOCIATION
- Exchange:: mutual agreement of necessary trust
- Parental Advisory:: the real world is a shitty place.
- Blowout:: I'm so close. JC Penny.
- Spider:: hole. Oh god... mass media at it's finest hour
- Happy:: fake.
- Intense:: disintegration of self.
- Corrupt:: exterior
- Got:: stole.
- Crude:: steals what's beautiful
- Three:: wishes.
Well.. I don't know what that tells me, except I am feeling awfully cynical tonight.
RANDOM: The keys that I am typing on are sticky from little hands, or stickers, or just years and years of abuse. I was relieved to discover that my watch is an hour fast, and it is not 3 in the morning right now. I am hesitant about christmas, because I just want to be somewhere safe. I am starting to like dad's cat. Heather thinks that I should go on Weight Watcher. I wanted to hit her. What a horrible thing to say, even in my diary! Jessica is just like me, and I know what she is going through. I had a thought today that I wish that something bad would happen to me, just so that i could FEEL something. Who am I trying to kid? Immediatly got mad at self for wishing something bad to happen. Wish that I could sleep like a normal person. Wish that someone could understand me. Wish that someone wants to. Mad that marcus thinks that he has me all figured out, simply from my external reactions to our shared experiences. Stupid to say this though, because I don't even understand me. I need to meditate more. I need to let go more, I need to accept more. I need to feel more.
This struck me today, as I listened to her song.
- In the end, only kindness matters.
What have I done today that was kind, and not for my own self interest?
Must think on that tonight. Really think.
