12:52 am - Wednesday, Dec. 24, 2003
Between the lines
I was upset today. Not upset in a small meaningless, forgot to pick up the bread kind of way, but thrown for one of those deep rooted painful spins. I wish that it didn't happen. I don't want to know anymore. The problems in my family are so much deeper and more complicated than I ever allowed myself to believe. There is so much hate and belligerance being exchanged right now, and it's unfair to fall on my shoulders, even as an adult. I broke down today because (at dad's house) boxes and boxes of presents - 3 of those huge moving boxes - came from my Amma and Afi, and then more from various aunts and uncles, all for my sisters, my dad, and heather. The problem is that my amma and afi, refuse to buy regan and I presents because of a tiff they had with my mom 12 years ago. I never knew this. I always thought it was because it was too expensive to ship, etc etc... but now, thirty or fourty presents arrive for Jess and Hann, and heather starts berading me about my mom, and how she is so unappreciative of everything they do for us, and she starts to unroot all of these things from my past in the most tactless way, while she unpacks present after present for her perfect family. Fucking hypocrite. I can't even start to describe the things she said to me. But it unseated a lot of guilt and resentment and pain... especially pain... that I have been harbouring for so many years. I wanted to talk with Adam at that moment so badly... someone who knew me when all this was happening, who has been through everything with me and could give me some practical advice to my family that is breaking at the seams. I will have to in the near future, have a very honest family discussion here. Right now, alot of the reopened wounds are too fresh, and I need some time to sort it out with myself. I am so hurt. I feel useless and unwanted. I want someone so badly to want me. I want to be important and invaluable and unconditionally loved. I don't think that I can really expect that from many people right now. Certainly not this side of the family. Fucking bitch. I hate the guilt trips, the little slips about my mom, about me, about Regan. Part of me feels very small right now, and not able to handle being put down by someone I trusted. But I need to recognize that my relationship with Heather will always be flawed, because she sees me as a responsible party in all of these old problems, and not as a 6 or 8 or 10 year old child. I carry too much weight for my years. I wish that I could articulate this better. This must have something to do with why I have been struggling with Marcus lately. This horrible feeling that it was all my fault.
I need to change my focus before I lose my mind.
Monday...a thought....
I found this today and felt that on this rare occasion, it was worth recording. It really struck something with me... "Those who live passionately teach us how to love. Those who love passionately teach us how to live"
That's all... probably a good thing to leave myself with. I hate it all... I really do.
