9:13 am - Saturday Jan. 03, 2004
Lonliness makes me think about what I am missing
Jet lag is so weird. I went to bed last night at 9. I woke up at 4am, because it was 1am to me, and I am usually not sleeping at that time. Got tired around 6am (3 am - my usual bedtime :P) and had to drag ass out of bed a few minutes ago so that I could get started on my geography work, and cleaning the house. Ahhh the house. After being at home (which is practically sterile), this place feels like a complete dump. It needs disinfecting. I'm overwhelmed by it all.
Flying home was alright, because I got on to all of my planes...no all night layovers like last Christmas. I just got off the phone with marcus, after being disconnected (I think his calling card ran out??), but it was so nice to hear his voice. I didn't miss him as much when I was in BC, because I was with my family and also on somewhat of a 'vacation'. But now that I'm back in Kingston, I'm pretty lonely. Em is here, but I don't think she was really happy to see me. Josh is coming back today, but I don't think he'll be really happy to see the house, and A doesn't get back for a while anyway, so it's just lonely old me. Perhaps a stiff morning drink is in order.
I've been thinking about writing to Adam, but part of me feels like this is something that I need to let go of...people change so much when they are apart. How do I apologize for prioritizing the rest of my life over our friendship last semester? Part of me never wanted to know what was going on back in Calgary, never wanted to know about Iris or Zee or any of the other asian girls he's been sleeping with...I don't want to know who has taken my place. It's easier for me to tune it out, to reassure myself through some sort of blind ignorance to the fact that we have both moved in completly different directions. But we loved eachother .. can't a 10 year friendship survive the distance, like we always promised eachother it would? I remember in first year we used to talk on the phone every night for hours - I would stretch my phone out into the hall and shut the door, stuffing blankets underneath the door so that Nahri wouldn't wake up, lying on my back in the Chown hallway, pretending I was somewhere else completly. It reminded me of the hours and hours I have spent in his room, sitting side by side in his bed, dissecting the finer points of our love lives, spiritual lives, purpose in life. Eating ice cream, cooking together at 3 in the morning, driving downtown to see the sunrise over the Saddledome. These little bits of our friendship that I still hold on to in our heart that I always took for granted would never change. What do I do next? How do I fix something that is so far gone, I don't know if either of us are still...who we are. I can't explain it. But I want to make it better. I think I'll think on it, as I go back to sleep for another hour or so. I am just making myself more confused and upset.
