12:29 am - Monday, Feb. 16, 2004
It's always ourselves that we find in the sea
there is something about the ocean that calms me. I was compelled to choose a new template that reflects the serenity that I feel here. The dogs drive me nuts... following me around like I am mother goose. Just because my fingers smell like residual dog treats, I guess. I am looking at what would be the ocean right now, if it weren't so late. I was struck today by how far away I am from kingston - literally, I guess, but more in my heart. Far away from the house, and the way that the kitchen always smells, and the sound of my alarm clock, and the stains on the carpet, and the slushy walk to campus where my thighs always freeze and my scarf freezes from the moisture of my breath. And even farther away from people like K who recently have not been good for my energy or my self esteem. Far away from being a yes man. From to do lists. From artificiality. I feel like being here leaves me nothing to search for, where as, in Kingston, something is always missing. I walked along the beach, picking up bits of seaglass for the kids, running with waldo in the sand...he is so scared of water. Polo chases rocks that I throw right into the surf. I didn't take Bas... arthritis. It was salty and warm and reminiscent of how endless childhood was.... y'know, looking out over the horizon and not being able to see where it stops - feels like I did before I started to have to make choices. Where I could be anything that I wanted. Now, I am limited to being anything that I want, where a drama degree is applicable. But I still feel that, even with all my fumbling and insecurity, somehow I am moving in the right direction.
I am always thinking about Marcus, and never sure if he knows the me that I feel needs to start asserting herself. What I mean is... marcus and I have built up this cute image of me... helpless, can't cook, can't drive, clumsey... his little this, or his little that. Adam firmly believes that this is what many men do - they want to be the caregiver, the hero...the protector? But I feel that I am a round peg being pushed into a square hole. And the more that he believes it, the more that I act it - I get the desired response, the tickle, the special smile. And the more that I act for that response, the more that he believes it. I used to think that all this stuff were the little jokes that we had between us... the secret language of couples. But when I stand back and objectively dissect it - it isn't even me anymore. I'm not sure how to move in the right direction on that one.
I will keep working and thinking this week. Am so motivated by continuing weight loss. Junk food has become easier to avoid or to eat in small quantities. I am noticing changes in my body - pants are falling off. I feel healthier. The long walks on the beach have been good for my soul and my body!
It's so late.... I will come and write more tomorrow. I have alot of work to do, and want to make the most of the time I have to do it in.
B.
