10:51 pm - Saturday, May. 01, 2004
Moved in and ready to tackle the summer
I cried so hard last night. After a week of packing and preparing to move, moving into my new place, and cleaning cleaning cleaning until I hated the smell of my fantastic herbal mist cleaner... I went to bed and cried. I felt as though I had been so excited for so long to not live with Josh, and to move into a house with a big kitchen and a room that I could fit into... but leaving all of those things, and leaving the life that I had lived with the people I cared about really upset me. I was so sad that I didn't have any spices, and sad that I don't have A and E around anymore... people who REALLY understand me, understand my sense of humor. People who have the pieces to a significant part of my history. I feel as though I've broken up with somebody. I am so happy about all of the new things in my life, and so sad to be leaving behind the old.
And the new things are really wonderful. I'm in a great neighbourhood ... I love my house and my room ... I am going to have a wonderful summer!
But I am already lonely. I have a feeling that this summer is going to change me in some way. I'm working alone and I'm living alone, and I'm going to have a lot of independant 'me' time on my hands, as well as a lot of time to think everything through. The future.... big issues like that.
I went to Walmart today, and bought things that I need, but didn't have the money for. I can't think about M. leaving in 5 days for the rest of the summer... so far we have one trip to Nashville scheduled for about 6 weeks after he leaves, and our week together at the end of July and beginning of August. But considering both of our schedules, I don't think that we could ask for much more. Another summer of this shit. Last year, we promised eachother that we wouldn't do this again...wouldn't spend 4 months apart. Now, here we are again, the past repeating. Only this time, I have a different job and a different house.
Not so different. I don't want him to go ... what choice do I have? It's better for everyone, in the end. He owes a lot to his parents that needs to get figured out. I am just not looking forward to an empty house every night.
I'm going to head to bed - it's my first 'official' day of work tomorrow (read: paid), and I need to get a good rest before I tackle the shit that's waiting for me at the office.
