11:40 pm - Sunday, May. 16, 2004
Feeling secret resentment
I found this quote by Maya Angelou today, and I really liked it "If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning 'Good morning' at total strangers" ... no real reason - I tend to be pretty content regardless, but it speaks volumes about our social pretenses. It just makes me angry that a man can hit his wife in their home, and then shake someone's hand the next day and call himself sucessful. I guess that I'm harbouring some resentment about what happened with Mom and Michael. I don't take the time to really think about it ... but it's been hard on me as well. I'm spending literally hours a day supporting and encouraging my mom, and I'm getting sad that every time my family falls apart, everytime we try to be something whole, I have to be the one that is strong. I am so sad for my mom, I really am, but I feel like I need support as well - it's too much weight sometimes to hold by myself. Thinking of this really makes me miss marcus ... his daily presence more than anything, and the support and encouragement that I get from him. It hasn't been an easy go so far...and I'm getting sick of being strong. I need to cry, because I'm sad, and because I'm tired. All I want is a family, y'know? Just one family. And all I want is for my mom to be happy, so that I don't have to be guilty being out here and pursuing my goals. Right now she has no home, no family, no friends in coquitlam, and is going to be living alone. I hate that. I feel like shit because here I am building a life for myself, and leaving her in the dust. I just want to know that she is taken care of.
All I can do is be as independant as possible financially, so that I'm not a burden. I'm already TA'ing and working at walkhome next year, and I might pick up a shift with the kids if A can't do a particular day...and maybe mind find tutoring? All I know is that 100% of my money next year has to come from ME. That is my goal.
Well ... back to studying. Test tomorrow in anatomy (when did a spring course seem like a good idea?) and I still have a lot of work to day. Just trying to lighten my load.
B.
