12:24 am - Thursday, May. 20, 2004
Going to Vancouver Tomorrow - ancient ponderings and dreamless skies
I got really upset today - I sent an email to Michael trying to appease him, and the entire situation with him and my mom just got 10 times more complicated for me. I am flying back to BC in 5 hours ... and 20 minutes, and I am debating on how much sleep I should try to get between now and then.
I told my mom today that I think she should write a book ... seriously. About all of her adventures over the past 6 years, with men and with life. We were crying on the phone together, we were laughing so hard, remembering guys that she used to date ... like Steve, who lived in a gay building, and took my mom to the gay pride parade on a date ... and suprised her by wearing all of her makeup and a dress of hers to the parade! And she didn't see it coming :) So it's good to laugh .. it's so clensing to allow yourself to be happy.
I had a great night, just fantastic! I did all of my laundry at the laundromat, and yes - I am a previous landromat virgen. I lugged 2 garbage bags over, popped in my quarters, and was so excited about the adventure of it all. There were all these people, just doing laundry.... folding, steaming, and the place smelled so nice. I read my book (it's a good read) and basked in a very grown up feeling. I remember talking with someone at the Core a few days ago about when we really feel like an adult... when the transition is. For her, it was the first time that she drove in a car alone. I can agree with that, and I remember my first time driving solo... I felt empty. It was hard to believe that there was noone in the car that was simply hiding. But for me (back on track), I really felt like an adult today, as I did 2 loads of colour and 1 load of whites at the Earl and Bagot Laundry-Mart. It might have something to do with watching Ross and Rachel kiss in the laundromat way back in season two ... I was so young, and they were SO OLD, doing laundry by themselves...
Either way, something clicked. I folded it up all neatly, put it back into my bag and lugged it home, stopping to put my nose to it and smell how fresh it was every so often. I was really proud of myself, and it made the rest of my evening, which I spent eating lasagna and watching Shrek 2 w/Alana even better.
Who knows where the muse comes from? I feel divine. I feel woozy with the sense that I can get anything accomplished. Maybe it's the effect of a weekend at home without work? I will write from BC when I get the chance (or if?). It will be a busy weekend, but I'm hoping to take some time out to enjoy being back at home... by home I mean, I don't currently have a home. But we're family, y'know? We've been through worse, truely. I just... feel inspired by everything lately, as if the lilacs pushing open on the trees can somehow make me a better person. I am fascinated with the details ... so inconsequencial. How things feel when they are crushed between my fingers, what the grass smells like, the sound of the city at night. Is this what people feel like if they've cheated death? Making every day count? But it has hit me without warning.
Yet, I am still in an unhappy mood. Or at least more contemplative. I'm less likely to smile, and more likely to observe, feel the world around me. I have taken myself out of the game, and am content to watch it be played for now. it's a welcome break from always having to be HGBJ (expand it out). A welcome break from trying to meet expectations and make the proper impressions. If I could start it all over again, I would take more time to observe - that's where I lie right now, and I am content to let it happen.
It makes no sense, but I feel like spilling this stream of conscienceness will help me to sleep, and it really does mean something to me. The room tilts when I yawn. I'm always scared that I'm sick or dying. I wish I could sing, and be better than Kelly Clarkson and win American Idol. I need sleep.
